On Watchfulness
Just when I think that I've got this down, I go and read something that helps me to see that I'm nowhere near where I need to be. Right from the start, when I read that disciplines without watchfulness are really just obesessions - I realized that is where I am. Obsessed with my disciplinces, with going through the motions - but not paying attention to where this should be taking me. And I see that obsession without watchfulness is taking me nowhere - I am just spinning my wheels. I race around, busybusybusy, and number my disciplines like so many things to check off on my To Do List. But I am not still, I am not watchful, I am not waiting for a chance to obey. I am spinning my wheels.

learning to trust the diet
It seems like there's so much food on it as compared to my former granola bars and yogurt diet - but I can see that I'm not gaining. On this diet I don't have to starve - I can eat the things that it lets me eat, and I won't end up HUGE. Trusting the diet is helping me to trust in the other disciplines too.

I haven't binged and purged yet, and it's already Wednesday! I know I can get through today. I'm just going to go one day at a time.

Blah, Blah, Blah..........
You know, my thought of the day is that if you follow the disciplines that I am following (here is a list):

1. follow the diet
2. exercise 4x minimum per week for 30 minutes each
3. wear skirts and no underwear
4. stay aroused but don't M all the way to orgasm
5. deny your husband nothing
6. keep up the shaving
7. read from the list

okay, when you write it down it looks like a lot - but it's not all that difficult. It's a matter of making it routine. The shaving part is easy - it just becomes part of your bath routine. The dress code is easy - and has the added benefit of less laundry to do. I like to read anyway, so that's not a problem. I used to M alot anyway - though it's hard to stop before orgasm, I must be sending off some signals to my husband because we're having a lot more sex than we used to, and orgasms during sex are much better than they used to be. Making exercise part of my routine takes effort - but I used to jog everyday before I had children, and I like that I'm reconnecting with that part of myself.

So for me, the diet is the most difficult thing. No, I take that back! I actually like the foods that I can eat on the diet. It's not hard to follow the diet. What's hard for me is not engaging in my "extracurricular diet activities" - i.e. - going on an eating binge and purge. I didn't realize that it was almost an addiction. I know that this sounds just sick and crazy, but I miss it. Last week, I was told not to engage in any extreme measures to lose weight, and I thought that it wouldn't be a problem - but I'll tell ya, it's darn hard.

I guess it's hardest right now because it was something that I did about once a week. And although I felt guilty when I did it, I would be lying if I said that it didn't also feel good. It feels good eating and eating and eating food that is bad for you, and it feels good to throw it up and feel that your stomach is empty.

I didn't do it last week, and that wasn't so hard. But here it is Monday and I can feel my body craving it, and it's darn hard not to act on that craving. I didn't realize that it actually is a kind of addiction. I had fooled myself into thinking that I was just sometimes overeating in moments of weakness, and solving the problem by throwing it up. But now I know that I was overeating on purpose so that I could go throw up and feel empty and that feels good. You know what's really sick? It's not the binge that I'm craving right now. It's the purging. What I'm fighting right now is not the craving of wanting to go get a fast food combo meal and eat it - what I'm fighting is wanting to go into the bathroom to throw up. I'm drinking water right now, and I would like to go into the bathroom and throw up the water, because for some sick and twisted reason, that feels good to me.

I started off this entry calling it "Blah, Blah, Blah" because I thought that I'd just be "blah, blah, blahing" without a whole lot to say - and look what came out! I was going to go over how I actually have come to like the disciplines. I was going to talk about how easy it is for me to deny my husband nothing - and how it seems so foreign me when I see women on the forum struggling to do what their husbands ask. But I do know that, had I let the "mom first, wife second" attitude that I had continue - I would have been one of those women in another 5 years.

So I didn't just "blah, blah, blah" - instead I realized that the hardest thing I'm doing right now is keeping myself from purging. I really don't think that I can get throught the week without doing it. I already can hear a voice in my head trying to rationalize that it is still progress if I cut out the eating binge and just throw up water. If my husband knew that I did this, he'd be shocked. I don't know what he'd say. He would not be happy. Since I gave up cokes, he's been so nice. He's stopped drinking them too (at least, he doesn't drink them around me) - so I don't have to see him drinking one when we go out to lunch or dinner. If he knew that he's married to a person who binges and purges, and actually likes doing it - he would probably find me crazy and disgusting. I should probably find myself crazy and disgusting - but I don't care. All I care about right at this moment is how much I miss the feeling of being empty,empty, empty. This is hard.

Bo has noticed that I'm exercising - and I was frustrated that it is raining here so I can't go out and jog - and he asked if I wanted to go look for a treadmill or an elliptical trainer so that I can exercise whenever I want to! I am so happy that the changes that I'm making are making him happy and supportive of me!

I think my weight loss is slowing down a bit. I think that my drop last week may have been due to suddenly cutting out all those cokes. I'm still sneaking and getting on the scale sometimes - it's hard to wait until Monday to weigh myself!

Soccer Mom Morning
I have a love/hate relationship with Saturday morning. It's kind of hectic because there is so much to do to get everyone dressed and ready for the inevitable soccer game. I have to get the day organized before we go, because once we're out Bo would rather just stay out and get all of our errands done - rather than coming home and going back out.

So it's busy, it's hectic, there's the deadline of getting everything done before we have to leave for soccer - but I love it because Saturday is such a great family day. Bo is home and we are all together - rather than splintered off on our different hobbies and interests.

It's quite a challenge choosing a skirt to wear to a soccer game in cool weather. The skirt thing will be so much easier when it is warm. I am, however, perservering with a long, casual denim skirt, a long sleeved gray t-shirt, and my gray running shoes.

Excited for a week off from work......
Because I'm going to really concentrate on exercise! I've been jogging, but I want to put together a good routine where I stretch first, jog and focus on gradually increasing time and distance, keep up my sit-ups, and maybe add some weights for my arms. It needs to be something that I can easily do in about 45 minutes to an hour. It also needs to be something that I can do when my children are home. The stretching part will be fun because my boys love to do stretches, and they can do them right along with me. I've borrowed a two-seated jogging stroller, so I bet I'll be getting a great workout pushing the boys along in front of me while I jog. I'm going to keep up the sit ups, and I have some 5 pound weights that I can use to work on my arms.

I am going to be healthy, healthy, healthy!

Thinking about my job....
and the poor, sweet, misunderstood kids that I see. This was a big ol' full day of work for me. It started with a meeting at 8 am for a 4th grade girl who suffers from childhood schizophrenia. She's a sweet girl with a demon on her back. The demon in question is "Kris" a female dinosaur-looking creature with red eyes (I always ask the schizophrenic kids to draw a picture of whoever talks to them for me). When I asked this little girl who Kris is, she said "I think she's really me." This child needs medication. I worry that helping her is beyond my realm of competency - she needs a psychiatrist who specializes in pediatrics to give her whatever medication can help her and she needs a psychologist - like a real one with a Ph.D. who knows what the heck to do with her! I like her, and I'm doing all the research I can to try to help her. Her mother has no insurance and she keeps giving her these random herbal supplements that she believes are equivalent to the medicine that a doctor would prescribe. She gives her something called Kava Kava that has the poor child completely zoned out. I asked her (the mother) to please stop giving her daughter herbal supplements without the guidance of a pediatrician but I don't think she'll stop.

My favorite part of my job is working with students who have Autism. We did an assessment of a middle school girl today (10 years old), and came to the conclusion that she does have Asperger's Disorder. She is the neatest kid. She is disorganized, she is brilliant, she is painfully shy, and she is passionate about animal rescue. While the other little girls are experimenting with nail polish and lip gloss, this one is "navigating her property" (walking around in her backyard) with her "Animal Rescue Kit" (a bandana, tweezers, and a magnifying glass) looking for injured birds, stray mice, and frogs. She will tell you every detail she knows about these animals, and she sounds as thought she's reading from a book. I am trying to get the school to let her take gifted classes, but the principal does not want her to be in the Gifted Program because her grades are C's and B's due to not turning in assignments. She does her assignments, but everyone in the school has been instructed to use a yellow folder as a homework folder and she refuses to own anything that is yellow. The only colors that she will wear are khaki, green, and blue. She will only carry blue folders. She will only write in blue ink. She will not write in pencil so she always gets 10 points deducted from everything she does in math. She loves decimals, but said "fractions don't sit well with me" and refuses to do anything in fractions. When work is given to her in fractions, she converts it to decimals, and gives her answers in decimals. She does all of this in her head, and writes the answer only - so she always loses points for not showing her work. She will not turn in work to teachers who are wearing yellow. I just love her.

I wish that I could bring her home! She is neat and fascinating and so very different.

Isn't it odd how I, a person who so strives to fit in with her own social crowd, is so intrigued by the kids who don't fit in? Isn't it odd that I like those kids so much?

I just love them.

My heart goes out to the boys that I see. Even the 17 and 18 year olds, the ones in the Juvenile Detention Center and the ones on probation and the ones in the Boys' Home - they're really just little boys inside. Those troubled boys all have one "common denominator" - they all feel rejected by their moms. When I say that they're little boys inside, it's gotten to where I can almost pinpoint when they stopped growing up emotionally - it's always at the age they were when they "lost" their mom. Some lost mom to prison - usually for selling drugs or writing hot checks. Some lost mom to a drugs lifestyle - they were dumped on grandparents when the mom was too high to take care of them. The saddest ones are the ones who lose their moms to stepfathers and new families. The ones whose moms remarry men who don't like having them as a stepson, and whose moms start having kids with the stepfather - so that they find themselves standing on the outskirts of a family that they don't really fit in.

Okay, so enough about work. I'm gettig the hang of my new diet. I know that I can do it. I know that I may mess up sometimes, but I know that I can still do it. My new goal is to make exercise a part of my routine now. I think that's going to be so good for me, because it will make me think less about my weight and my size - and more about getting strong and healthy. I know that I can jog for 30 minutes, and I'm going to try to slowly increase that time. I also think it will be good for me to weigh myself and post my weight just on Mondays. I think that weighing myself as much as I do (I usually get on the scale every night before bed and again in the morning when I wake up)make me way too obsessive!

I did not throw up!
Even though I wanted to, I did not go to McDonald's, I did not overeat, and I did not throw up. I came home, I ate the salad that I planned on, and I just told myself that if my weight is back up tomorrow, it's okay.

I thought about what I had written about "why can't I go run 3 miles instead (of making myself sick)?).
When I got to soccer practice, I walked into Stephanie's house and there she was, in sweats and running shoes. I had my sweats and running shoes in my gym bag in the car, because I thought that maybe I would go for a run while the boys were at practice (which is in Stephanie's front yard, because her husband is the coach). I asked her if she wanted to go with me, and she said she would come if we could walk really fast instead of run.

Off we went! It was really fun and we walked and chatted for 30 minutes. She is about the same size as me - I'm mostly an 8 (I can wear 6's but they are tight, and 10's but they're baggy). She's a few inches taller than me (I'm 5'3", she's about 5'6") and is mostly a 10 (some 8's, some 12's).

We have alot in common in that we both have husbands that are really in good shape and getting cuter as they age. We find ourselves in not as good of shape and having to do alot more to maintain our appearance.

So, we've decided to make walking during soccer practice a weekly event. And we're going to keep it up when baseball season starts.

Deep down, the girls I'm friends with and I all have the same fear. We don't want to get what we call "traded up". We're all in our mid to late 30's. We're all former cheerleaders, homecoming queens, sorority girls. We all married attractive men who have stayed that way. And we're all scared of one day coming home to find that our husbands are leaving us for someone ten years younger who looks like we used to.

I know it's insecure. But I've seen it happen to two really great women already. My friend Shawna gained 45 pounds after having her girls, and never lost it. As a stay-at-home mom, she was mostly in sweats and ponytail, no make-up, and too busy playing with her girls to worry about her husband or the house. She never saw it coming - he just came home one day, said he wasn't happy, packed a suitcase, and left. Basically, the same thing happened to Laurie too.

These are wonderful women and great mothers - but like me, they got so caught up in being great moms that they lost sight of being great wives.

I know that my husband loves me, and that if I asked him RIGHT NOW if he could ever imagine loving another woman, he would say no. Maybe he doesn't know that I was putting the boys first. Maybe he doesn't realize that my clothes have gone from a "2 or 4" to a "6 or 8" to an "8 or 10". But I just don't want to take that chance.

I've always been in situations where my appearence was an important part of who I was or what I did. I guess it started back in high school - the little clique that I was part of all had good hair, and trendy clothes, and good make-up, and we were cheerleaders or on the dance team. In college I joined a sorority, and we had a dress code which included having your hair and make-up done. We even had to weigh in every week. My first job after college was as a Flight Attendant for American Airlines. We weighed in. During training, they sent us to a stylist who redid our hair and make-up, and we were expected to keep it that way.

Then, I met Bo. I started teaching so that I wouldn't be away so much. I got married. I went to graduate school. I had twins.

If I had to look back over the past 5 years, I'd say it's been a gradual slip into being more casual about my appearence. Most of the pictures of me show me in jeans and a t-shirt. The weight has come on gradually. I still hold alot of the same standards for myself, though. My hair is always good and so is my make-up.

I read on the forum about some girls who seem as though they're just starting, for the first time maybe, to really be concerned about their appearence. They sound so excited, like they have nowhere to go, but up. Every effort they make is rewarding.

I feel like I'm struggling to keep ahold of, to get back to, the girl that I've been. Gosh, I'm such a whiner!

Darn it! I broke the diet rules!
Just when I'm doing so well - having lost a total of 1 pound in 4 days! I should know to stay out of the office! I went in there today to turn in my mileage reimbursement form, and what did they have in the break room? That's right, my old nemesis: the Girl Scout Cookies. I went in and got a bottle of water from the refridgerator, saw the Girl Scout Cookies - and just kept walking.

Apparently, the receptionist and two secretaries saw me snub the Girl Scout Cookies - and they were, in an instant, hot on my trail. I had not sat down at my desk for two seconds, when into my office they came - bearing Girl Scout Cookies.

Insanly Cheerful Receptionist: "Didn't you see the Girl Scout Cookies?"

Secretary Who Looks Like Loretta Lynn: "We know the Tagalong's are your favorite kind!"

Most Efficient Secretary Who Really Runs the Office: "Here, Honey, I brought you two of them."

And she did. Two delicious "Tagalong" Girl Scout Cookies right there on a little blue napkin. She laid them on my desk in front of me. And then they all stood there - waiting.

I said: "Thank you" and sat there.

Still, they waited. Surely something would save me - a phone call, the copy machine breaking down, the arrival of the cute mailman. Nothing.

I thought I could maybe just take one bite, then start shuffling files around, and they'd go away.

I meant to just take one bite, but in about 5 seconds, the cookies were history.

Darn it! You know, this has happened to me before. I get on a roll, making healthy choices, losing a little weight - and then a cookie, a donut, a brownie crosses my path and "wham!" - I've blown it.

There's a really destructive routine that I fall into when I blow a diet. It begins with the thought that has been running through my mind since The Cookie Incident.

"I've already blown today, I might as well eat whatever I want now."

Then, after soccer practice, I'll find myself in the McDonald's drive thru. I'll consider getting a salad or the Yogurt Parfait, but the thought will come again: "I've already blown today....." and I'll get the Quarter Pounder w/Cheese combo meal, with Supersized Fries and a Coke.

I'll go home and munch it down, and it will taste so good.

Then the guilt will hit, and this thought starts running through my head: "I can't believe I ate all of that."

It will change to: "I can't let all of that food turn into fat on my body."


...and about 20 minutes later, when the rest of my family is distracted downstairs, when the boys are in the bath and my husband is on the computer, I'll go upstairs. I'll turn on the TV up there and I'll turn the water on in the bathroom - so no one will hear me. And I'll make myself throw up.

And then I'll feel really bad.

Why do I punish myself this way? Why can't I perform a healthy penance -like make myself go out and run 2 miles, or make myself fast tomorrow, or something/anything besides making myself sick?

I'm going to try not to do it.

Was down - but not out!
I woke up yesterday and felt overwhelmed by these disciplines that are now the structure of my life. Thinking of everything together, in one big clump -

skirt/no underwear/diet/deny him nothing/exercise/give over financial responsibility

seemed like too many changes at once. I wanted to get up, throw on my cotton panties,good ol' jeans, and a t-shirt, grab a Coke, and tell my huband to get the heck out of bed and help me get the boys ready for Sunday School!

But, I didn't. I went downstairs to the library (we live in a really old house that actually has a room that is a library)and sat down and made a list. It was a checklist of my new routine, and I thought that I would try not thinking of it all clumped together - but to just see if I could do one thing at a time. It looked like this:

1. get dressed in skirt - no underwear
2. get breakfast - toast and dairy or fruit
3. choose clothing for boys and take them downstairs - let Bo sleep!

And I found that taking things just one step at a time, I was able to stick to it - and I was proud of myself.

I almost messed up at dinner because the boys wanted pancakes for dinner (they think it's funny when we have breakfast for dinner), and Bo said that I should go ahead and make them pancakes, and maybe make some scrambled eggs and home fries to go with them. How in the heck was I going to get one serving of meat/protein and veggies out of that? I bought salad mix, so I thought I could make what they wanted, then just say I wanted salad - but luckily I didn't have to! We were out shopping and Bo decided he'd rather have Chinese food - so I got beef and broccoli and it was good, good, good!

Right now, I'm managing the diet at dinner by still fixing the things that Bo and the boys like, but adding a salad, green beans, or broccoli to the dinner menu - then I'm eating a portion of whatever meat we're having, plus the salad/green beans/or broccoli. I may search the forum later to see if I can find anything on how other moms manage the diet while cooking for a family!